my mouth tastes like poor choices
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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