its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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