I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
