it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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