i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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