My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
