Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
