Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
