dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
