My sheets look like a crime scene.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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