Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
