my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
