I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
