I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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