does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Terrible idea I love it
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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