Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
