i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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