he thought i was a dude.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
