awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
