winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
