I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
