Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
