I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
