a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
