I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
