She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
