meet me or not, i'm out of control
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
