Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
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