I accidentally burped into my bong.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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