Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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