Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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