My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
