I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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