The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
