i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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