Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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