to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
ok first of all what the fuck
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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