Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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