If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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