Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
