I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
