Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
