just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
