Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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