I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
