I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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