Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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