I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
