my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
