I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
