Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How naked do you want me to be?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
