You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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