I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
