I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
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