my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Green mimosas i think yes
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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