You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
