how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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