Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
40s are totally the cure
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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