I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
