I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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