News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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