Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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