Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
