My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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