You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
