You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
3 2 1 whiskey
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
