Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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